6.12 Document for Analysis–Poorly Written Response Letter, p.Study
the following message. list five specific weaknesses. If your
instructor directs, revise to remedy flabby expressions, long
lead-ins, there is/are fillers, trite business expressions,
clichés, slang, buried verbs, lack of parallelism, and general
wordiness. Look for ways to improve readability with bulleted or
numbered points.
Current Date
Mr. Anthony Burciaga
Lakeview Systems, Inc.
4122 Lakeview Drive
Ajax, ON L1S 7L8
Dear Mr. Burciaga:
We have received your request for information. As per
yourrequest, the undersigned is transmitting to you the
attacheddocuments with regard to the improvement of security inyour
business. To ensure the improvement of your after-hourssecurity,
you should initially make a decision with regard toexactly what you
contemplate must have protection. You are,in all probability,
apprehensive not only about your electronicequipment and
paraphernaliabut also about your company records,information, and
data.
Because of the fact that we feel you will want to obtain
protectionfor both your equipment and data, we will make
suggestionsfor taking a number of judicious steps to inhibit
crime.First and foremost, we make a recommendation that you
installdefensive lighting. A consultant for lighting, currently on
ourstaff, can design both outside and inside lighting, which
bringme to my second point. Exhibit security signs, because of
thefact that nonprofessional thieves are often as not deterred
byposted signs on windows and doors.
As my last and final recommendation, you should install
spacealarms, which are sensors that look down over the areas that
areto receive protection, and activate bells oradditional lights,
thusscaring off intruders.
After reading the materials that are attached, please call
meto initiate a verbal discussion regarding protection of
yourbusiness.
Sincerely