Question

Let’s assume the following message is an email. Read it and

(1) Analyze the strengths and weaknesses of the following text [write a detailed analysis of about 1
single-spaced page long]

(2) Revise the document so that it follows chapter 8’s (pp. 273-288)* guidelines [rewrite the following
text so that you end up with an improved version]

SUBJECT: Negotiator Pro

At a local business-supply store, I recently purchased your Negotiator Pro for my computer. I
bought the CD because I saw your ad for it in Macworld magazine, and it looked as if it might be
an effective tool for use in my corporate seminar on negotiation. Unfortunately, when I inserted
in my office computer, it wouldn’t work. I returned it to the store, but because I had already
opened it, they refuse to exchange it for a CD that would work or give me a refund. They told
me to contact you and that you might be able to send me a version that would work with my
computer.
You can send me the information to me at my email address. If you cannot send me the correct
disc, please refund my $79.95. Thanks in advance for any help you can give me in this matter.
John Smith

*Excellence in Business Communication 12th edition

Answer 1

The letter does not communicate effectively for the following reasons:

1.The local business-supply store is not specified.

2.Proof of purchase is not included.

3.The letter offers unnecessary information in the second sentence.

4.Information on computer specifications is not included.

5.The writer doesn’t specify which action is being requested.

6.Because of a lack of information, resolving the problem will take much longer than necessary.

Revised Version

At a local business-supply store, I recently purchased your "Negotiator Pro" for my computer. I bought the CD because I saw your ad for it in MacWorld Magazine, and it looked as if it might be an effective tool for use in my corporate seminar on negotiation.

Unfortunately, when I inserted it in my office computer, it wouldn’t work. I returned it to the store, but since I had already opened it, they refused to exchange it for a CD that would work or give me a refund. They told me to contact you and that you might be able to send me a version that would work with my computer. You can send the information to me at the letterhead address.If you cannot send me the correct disc, please refund my $79.95. Thanks in advance for any help you can give me in this matter.

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