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Opening up to all of you, LGBT people or supporters. Can you please take some time to read this?

Answers:1   |   LastAnswerAt:2010.10  

Closeted And Scared 
Asked at 2010.10.29 00:47:47
Hey all. I’m a 22-year old guy. I’m gay, and I’ve known I’m since I was very young. I never had any attraction towards females, and I’m closeted. So far nothing new or different. What’s different is the culture I live in. I live in the Middle East, where basically, gays & lesbians are considered mentally sick by the vast majority of people, and in need for medical and religious intervention. I’ve been born and raised in a religious, Islamic family. They have provided me with love, money, education and much of what parents give their children. But unfortunately, as everybody around, they have the same view about homosexuality. So are my friends, and so is everyone I know, even the media. It’s very hard for me to keep hiding who I’m, and what adds insult to the injury is that I’m considered the “White sheep” of my family. I’ve been always the smartest in school, the most “moral” and religious. Even I didn’t accept the fact that being gay is OK, and used to think it’s against God, and that I’ll go to hell because of it. It took me over 5 years to finally accept myself, as I only understood what being gay meant very late, when I was about 15 . And only until last year that I accepted that I cannot change who I am, and that I’m normal. But As I said, it’s practically impossible for me to tell my family about who I really am. The least they would do is send me to a psychiatrist or make me get married sooner than I’m expected (Yeah I’m expected to marry a girl and have kids...Etc). To give you one incident that explains what I mean:
There was this once when my little brother suspected I watch gay things on my computer because he found links in it. He told me that he’ll never speak to me again, and then he told my mum that when he gets married, he doesn’t want me showing up. But of course, no one believed him, and I managed to convince him that I’m not gay or anything.

I thought of moving away, but I’m helpless. I still don’t have my degree (Medicine, takes sometime), and I never held a job or earned my own money, besides I need a visa to get to many European or North American countries. And believe me, I sometimes cry over myself. I never had the chance even to fall in love with a guy, or hug him romantically or anything, on top of my closet status. I sometimes feel like dying from the inside. I’m even afraid to write down what I feel in a diary in fear that someone could find and see it. It’s so depressing. No one to come out to and expecting them to say “That’s OK”.
I just wanted to share this with people who are like me, or at least see me as normal. I’m not expecting you to magically find solutions for me…Just opening up to you guys & girls.
answer Radagast_23  Answered at 2010.10.29 00:47:47

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I have gay Arabian and Persian friends (and one Pakistani boy I know that I have no idea of the sexuality of - but he is very sweet and kind and loving) here in the United States. In the spirit of full honesty: I myself am not of those backgrounds, I am of fully English descent -- though my family has been here for hundreds of years, and my direct ancestor fought in the Revolutionary War.

All of that said -- the only way to escape it is to take charge of your life and leave as soon as is possible. I know it hurts, I've already known one boy who did it when he went to college. The level of family control and what I think is a form of family love amazed me. He's from the UAE. He did leave though, and he is much happier for it. He understands that he cannot go back.

I presume that you are in actual medical school. The first thing I would say to you is make certain that the school you are in is internationally recognized. If it is, finish your schooling. If it isn't, or if you just completed your undergraduate -- which is very possible at 22 -- consider going to the US to finish/go.

If you need help getting a Visa, let me know, we have good connections, and will be glad to help you. Likewise, if you want to talk, email me.

I know how frightened you are -- but you are wonderful and special and you must never forget that. You are who you are, embrace yourself and let yourself find happiness where you can find it.


Kindest possible thoughts,

[email protected]
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